On December 31st, 2006 I woke up in Newton, MA, right outside of Boston. We were on a mini-vacation for the holiday. I was 13.5 weeks pregnant with my third child.

The bleeding began at about 5:00 a.m. and I knew it wasn't good. I had bleeding in the beginning, but an ultrasound at 9 weeks showed a baby with a heartbeat. I thought I was in the clear. I spent the following 4 weeks under the impression that I was carrying a growing baby. I was even convinced that I was feeling flutters.

Anyway, the bleeding began and when my husband woke up I said we should go to the hospital.

To make a long story short, that baby must have stopped growing shortly after my wonderful ultrasound and we left that baby in the hospital on New Year's Eve. It is a very painful memory of a very painful experience.

It took me a few weeks to decide to get on with life instead of eating my way through it. I joined Weight Watchers, lost a few pounds, then gave it up. I really had no desire to take care of myself or my body. Rather, I wanted to defile it, punish it, fill it with poison.

But after seeing my doctor for my annual exam, I decided that I didn't need to continue to hate my body for losing that baby. I could take control of it and create a healthier environment in which to grow the next baby to full term.

The Walrus and I are not trying to get pregnant right now. In fact, we are actively avoiding it. My reward for getting to a healthy, non-obese weight will be to try to have another baby. It is only fair to the baby, to me, and to my poor body that reaches weights of great proportions when I am pregnant and obese. I delivered an 11 lb. 12 oz baby (via c-section) in 2005.

That's the reason for all this craziness. It's not just about being cute pregnant, you know, like those women with the little basketball bellies that just look adorable and not like they swallowed a hippo. But it's about being a healthy vessel in which that baby will grow.

I am not saying that I lost that baby because I am overweight, but that baby is on my mind right now because he or she would have been born this week. I was due on July 4th.

Independence Day.

So, I am doing it for me, for my health, and for the health of my next pregnancy. I am doing it because I have to, and it's time for me to stop being selfish.

Just some thoughts I wanted to get down somewhere.