My Pink Ribbon

The conversation, as told by my mother, went something like this:
Dawn: They said I have fibroids... something about being caused by too much caffeine... but feel this one... it's been growing really fast...
My Mom (feeling Dawn's breast as directed by Dawn): Dawn! Oh my god! You need to get that checked out right away!

That was five days ago.

Yesterday, my mom telephoned to tell me this story and to let me know that Dawn was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has a fast-growing, aggressive tumor. They will operate in two weeks to get further information and to see if it has gotten into her lymph nodes. The prognosis is unclear.

And it can happen. Just. Like. That.

Dawn is 33 years old (just three years older than me), a mother to an almost-two-year-old boy, and engaged to be married. At 33, she's never had a mammogram. They say start when you're 40, right?

I felt as though my mom was delivering news about my best friend, or an aunt or a grandma, the way the news crawled into my heart and has remained nestled there. I felt the lump in my throat and a rush of emotions that are normally reserved for those closest to me. Dawn works with my mom, has become a friend (closer to me than an acquaintance), and is just working at raising her little boy the best she can.

And now this.

If you are wearing your pink ribbon this month for no one in particular, but for everyone in general, maybe you can wear it for Dawn.

Just thought I'd ask.

Damn!

Current Weight: 181

Wooo Hoooo! Back to my low... back to an official 48 pound loss!

This time I mean it: 170s, Here I Come!!!!

And dropping...

Current Weight: 184

Down another pound this morning. This shit really works, I guess.

Whew!

Today's weight: 185

I obviously had some major water-weight gain going on because who loses five pounds overnight? I mean, I did stick to Kimkins very strictly yesterday so that helped, and I tell ya, it was very nice to see the scale drop so quickly. I'll be at my all-time low of 181 very soon, and then will come the moment of 179 where I will be down 50 lbs. since the beginning of my journey.

We're hitting the YMCA just about every day. Yesterday I started using the machines for weight training. I am going to do my 30 min. of treadmill (at 20-25% incline and 3.8 mph) every day, and on M,W,F I am going to hit the machines. The part of my body that I am really interested in toning up is my thighs. The Walrus says my butt has really shrunk, and I would love to get rid of this jiggly belly but I am not sure if there is a way. Let's face it, I carried a 9 lb 7 oz baby, followed by an 11 lb 12 oz baby. Big babies does not a flat tummy make.

In other news, I have been on a job search for a few months now, with some serious serious searching in the past few weeks. On my 30th birthday, I interviewed for a position with a health care organization (Helloooo! Great benefits!) and yesterday they phoned to let me know they were checking my references. The Walrus thinks the job is mine. It'll mean great money, great benefits (oh, did I already mention that?), and an "in" at an organization that could really help advance my career. The downside? The hours. 3p-11p, with alternating weekends and holidays. That means missing my childrens' bedtime 5 out of 7 nights per week. That would also mean that if I am still employed there next fall, when Miss Serious is in all-day Kindergarten, I would see her before school each morning and that's it for 5 out of 7 days. That feels wrong to me. Can you imagine seeing your kids for an hour or so a day? Granted, I would have two complete days off with her, but that just doesn't feel like enough for me. How will I keep up with her goings-on? Will our relationship suffer? These are the thoughts that go through my head as I sit and hope for this job because we need the money so bad.

It doesn't help to have an unsympathetic MIL who says "You're 30 now. It's time to do what the rest of the world is doing." As IF I have been squatting in my parents' basement for 12 years deciding what I want to do with my life. I've been raising my children! How offensive.

Anyway, there is my story. As The Walrus says, we'll cross each bridge as we come to it. And he's right. But I just like to have a strong enough pair of binoculars to be able to see each bridge up ahead and have the plan all laid out, so when we cross it, there are no surprises.

Is that so wrong?

So, uh, yeah...

Current Weight: 190

Yup. I've gained 8 lbs. How? Just not watching what I eat, and indulging in some foods that I had been avoiding for a long time. It's kind of crazy that I'd gain so much in such a short period of time, but I am also on my period so perhaps some of it can be attributed to that.

So, part of the program for self-motivation is to hold myself accountable and weigh-in every day, and post my weight so I can't lie to myself or my two readers (ha ha!).

My plan is to stick to Kimkins because I know the weight will come off fast. I know losing fast isn't the healthiest way and I know Kimkins is controversial, but it is motivating to watch the weight come off fast, and we are looking toward trying to get pregnant after the first of the year, and I need to be a healthier vessel for a baby to grow. Besides, I'd rather get to a normal weight fast than sit at "obese" on the charts for any longer.

Still working out nearly every day. Also had some Reiki done. I've also made the decision to make this blog about overall health and wellness, as I know good mental health is just as important as physical health. And those close to me know I could use a good mental/emotional cleansing.

More to come later... but for now, yes, I am back to 190 lbs... and after I just bought a pair of 16 petite pants (as opposed to 16W!!). They still fit, though.

Lost: Nicole Richie

Okay, don't forget to scroll down to my new Future MILF Weigh-in post after reading this, but in it I forgot to mention that the weight loss total between The Walrus and I is as follows:

The Walrus: 37
Me: 48
Total: 85 lbs. = (pre-pregnancy) Nicole Richie!

We have lost ONE WHOLE PERSON between the two of us. If she weren't so tragic, it would be funny.

Future MILF Weigh-In: A New Low...

...but in a GOOD way!
Previous weight: 188
Current weight: 181
Total lost since June 4th: 48 lbs

This was my weight on Saturday, 9/22, the morning of my surprise 30th birthday party (but I won't be 30 until the 28th, so I am still in my 20s, people. Make no mistake!). I am entering new territory, and soon I'll be in the 170s.

It doesn't seem as though I am dropping clothes sizes as much as I should be - I was at about a 20w (18/20, usually), and my 16Ws are loose now. I guess I thought I'd be shopping at the regular girls' stores by now. Though, admittedly, I haven't tried anything on yet. My dream is to shop at GAP again. I'm gonna be a GAP MILF.

I have set some goals with rewards and I am going to post them here to make them "official".

179 by 9/28: Reward: Being down 50 lbs by my 30th birthday. Damn!
169: New pair of jeans. While I have not dropped sizes like I thought I would, the novelty of the baggy, falling-off-my-ass jeans has definitely worn off. Time to wear some clothes that fit. GAP MILF, not Hip-Hop Mama.
159: Papaya Enzyme Facial - scrum-diddly-umptious!
149: Haircut and highlights
139: More new jeans
127: Goal Weight! New tattoo, new wardrobe, and unprotected sex (read: trying to get pregnant). And of course, OFFICIAL MILF-DOM!!!!

The Walrus wants me to get a pair of shorts or sweats with words on the butt. Help me decide between "CUTIE", "JUICY", or "UWM". Ha.

My BMI has dropped from 42 to 34.7.

In other news, I have a job interview on Friday. Please do wish me luck. I need to be able to afford to go grocery shopping again.

Finishing up the birthday food and it's back to the plan tomorrow. Watch for my entrance into the 170s by Friday!

Ciao, baby.

Restarting again...

Today is another day to recommit to the recent weight-loss efforts. I didn't post my Weigh-in on Friday because I had nothing new to report.

How is that for accountability?

I enjoyed about 3 lbs. of salad at Olive Garden on Friday (thank you, Miffy!), but then I had to go and eat oh-I'll-just-have-half-make-that-a-whole-no-make-that-two breadsticks. Also, my fondness for the PB&J is taking over my life. Yes, I've eaten it on a spoon, but I've had it on bread (GAH! Carbs??), too.

I've cheated on Kimkins. Heh.

So, the scale is still moving downward, thank goodness. I am aiming for 170 by my 30th birthday (September 28, for those who don't know or can never seem to remember. LOL).

So, it's egg whites, tuna, and chicken breasts for me.

In other news, Miss Serious is starting SCHOOL next week. Holy fuck.

"Sober"

My latest fixation.

http://music.aol.com/video/sober-aol-sessions/kelly-clarkson/1929728

Enjoy.

Future MILF Weigh-In (This one's for The Walrus)

Starting Weight: 229
Previous Weight: 190
Current Weight: 188
Pounds lost: 2
Total lost: 41

Well, two pounds since Saturday shouldn't be anything to sneeze at, but I am not quite sure why the scale didn't move better this week. My only thought is that I just wasn't consuming enough calories. That happens with me. I get so bored with the options that I just forgo them altogether.

Don't get me wrong... I am in the 180s now, and I am thrilled with that.

I have to say that through all of this -the losses, the stalls, the cravings, the giving in of cravings - the one thing that sticks out as my beacon is The Walrus. He is a constant positive reinforcement for all of my dedication and hard work. Nearly daily, he tells me he is proud of me. Daily he looks at me and says, "I can really tell". Daily he says, "You can do it, baby!" And it's not because he has to say it. He means it.

I might not have as much strength if he weren't by my side in the journey. I'm pretty sure of it. He is someone I can always count on, someone I have always counted on. Even when I confess to a treat cheat, he let's me know that I haven't failed. That is important to me.

He is important to me. And this post is for him.

(not that the dedication of a weight-loss post is all that special, but I think he'll appreciate it?)

Future MILF Weigh-In

Oy! I didn't realize that I wasn't being a good Future MILFer! Here goes:

Starting Weight: 229
Last Weigh-In: 198
Current Weight-In: 190
Pounds Lost: 8
Total Lost: 39

This was as of Saturday, August 11.

The sizes are going down. 16W pants fit quite perfectly, if not a little on the loose sides, and I'm even starting to try on, and fit into, clothing from the Misses section.

The Walrus is in a constant state of "noticing", which really helps in endeavors such as these. When he hugs me, he notices. When I am changing my clothes, he notices. Sex is even better, people! Less tummy between the both of us. He says my butt is shrinking (Praise the Lawrd!), and I think my bra size has gone down from a 42-44DD to a 40D.

My confidence is soaring, too. I mean, yeah, I'm still 190 lbs. at 5'1" which is nothing to brag about, but I feel much sexier. Curvy.

I've seen some flak about Kimkins lately, and frankly, I can't say I disagree with everything written. But, if nothing else, it's taught me some things about myself. For instance, a Value Meal needn't be consumed at 10:00 pm just because I am passing by the Golden Arches. It's okay to consume meat not surrounded by sugary white dough. I don't need cheese on everything, either.

I worked out five days this week. Got "Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne on my iPod and it just makes me rock out. I also picked up Kelly Clarkson's My December album which is GOOD (check out track 4, "Sober" - delish! Not a good workout song, however, except for a cool down), but I could use some workout song suggestions.

Please scroll down and read my "Imagine" post.

P.S. Miffy, your heartache is my heartache. I'm thinking of you always.

Imagine

Stealing this from Oh, The Joys and It Is What It Is. Perhaps if enough women see it and get the goosebumps, they will begin to imagine it, too.

Imagine A Woman
Patricia Lynn Reilly

Imagine a woman
who believes it is right and good she is woman.
A woman who honors her experience and tells her stories.
Who refuses to carry the sins of others within her body and life.

Imagine a woman
who believes she is good.
A woman who trusts and respects herself.
Who listens to her needs and desires and meets them with tenderness and grace.

Imagine a woman
who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present.
A woman who has walked through her past.
Who has healed into the present.

Imagine a woman
who authors her own life.
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf.
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and to her wisest voice.

Imagine a woman
who names her own gods.
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness.
Who designs her own spirituality and allows it to inform her daily life.

Imagine a woman
in love with her own body.
A woman who believes her body is enough, just as it is.
Who celebrates her body and its rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource.

Imagine a woman
who honors the face of the Goddess in her changing face.
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom.
Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and life.

Imagine a woman
who values the women in her life.
A woman who sits in circles of women.
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets.

Imagine yourself as this woman.

Copyright 1995 Patricia Lynn Reilly

Ya Want Fries With That?

I recently began the journey of looking for a full-time job. We are in such a way that we need me to start bringing in some income. I have my Masters' degree in Clinical Psychology, which is pretty much useless without 3000 supervised hours, which I haven't gotten because I've been a SAHM for the past five years.

I've applied for a position within the Dept. of Corrections that would utilize my degree, and so far that is the only place that has received my resume.

I was speaking with a friend of mine last week and casually brought up that I might be interested in looking into becoming a Personal Assistant. (The idea of organizing and scheduling someone else's life really appeals to me.) He says to me, "Actually, I'm looking for just that and you were the first person I thought of."

To make a long story short, I will be earning a very nice compensation for becoming his new P.A., working from home 85% of the time, and may even be doing some traveling with him (day trips). I will be gaining experience in a new field and best of all, I will still be able to stay home and raise my children.

The Walrus is opening up a whole bunch of doors for himself in the writing field. Note: If flying Midwest Express in November or December, look for a Milwaukee-centered article written by him!!

Things are starting to really change in this Year of the Pig. Fortune will find it's way into our home, pounds and pounds of fat will find it's way out (The Walrus and I are at something like 54 combined pounds lost). I have a friend who just received surprising, but excellent news, and I hope that similar news will eventually find it's way into our lives again. Right now, I'm content being a mother of two, but I will not give up on the dream to add to our family.

I just feel like saying...

... have Peace, my friends.

Future MILF Weigh-In

Start Weight: 229
Last Weigh-in: 200
Current Weight: 198
Loss: 2 lb
Total loss: 31 lbs

FINALLY!! I have entered ONEDERLAND once again, never to return. Seriously. I'm sick of my weight starting with a "2". F*%& you, 200s! You're gone forever!!!!

I had a major stall going on this week. Stuck at 200. It was taunting me, teasing me, saying "I won't let you lose 30, I won't let you get to onederland." But I kicked it's taunting ass, baby!

Kimkins works when you work it, people!

Here is a little email from my hubby after I told him I lost 2 lbs this morning (yeah, that's right... I lost it just in time for my MILF post today).

Hope he doesn't mind that I post it.

Just wanted to reiterate once again, how very, very,very proud I am of you for sticking to it and reaching onederland. Frustrating as it has been, you never gave up. You're well on your way to your final goal, and will get there. And I couldn't be happier for you.

Isn't he the greatest!

Here's to you reaching your goals! 'Til next time...

Future MILF Weigh-In

Start Weight: 229
Previous Weight: 203
Current Weight: 200
Lbs. lost: 3
Total Lost: 29

Gahhhh! I've been hanging around at 200 for a couple days. I have been pushing to lose that one little pound to get to a 30 lb. loss and to get back into onederland (forever). Well, I technically have until tomorrow to hit my 199 goal. I have a 4 lb. per week goal, from Saturday to Saturday, which would put me at 127 by the end of November. That one little pound is nagging at me, taunting me, like an unwanted party guest who you wish would have left around 7pm but is staying to the wee hours of the morning. Out, damned pound!

I got to the YMCA three times so far this week, with plans to go again tonight. Last night I only got a 20 min. workout in due to some plans I had with Supermiffy, but I made sure to work it hard in those 20 minutes, burning 311 calories.

I had to attend a funeral the other day and I felt so uncomfortable in my clothes, but for different reasons than usual. Everything was too big. It's rather uncouth to hook your fingers inside your pants and hitch them up when at a funeral, but it had to be done. My 18Ws are about to be history. When I am out of that size for good, I am getting rid of them. Kimkins has a clothing exchange thing going, so I'll probably utilize that.

Wish me luck on that pound. And by my calculations, I should be down to 195ish this time next week, so stay tuned fellow MILFers.

It Was A Good Day!

Today, the girls and I went to Bay Beach with their grandparents. What an amazing place that costs little ($.25 per ticket, and the rides are not more than 2 tickets; kiddie rides are one), even at the concession stands. I think a hamburger was $1.50. (Don't get the chicken filet - it's fried!). After several rides, watching the smiles on my girls' faces, lunch, ice cream (none for me, of course), and a terrible storm that knocked over a tree, we headed home. We were tired, dirty, stinky, and oh-so-happy. Miss Serious asked that I get a job there so she can be there every day while I work. A two-hour ride is a bit much for a commute, my dear, but I do love your enthusiasm!

We stopped at home to get The Walrus and then headed to the YMCA. My dear friend, Supermiffy, called and talked me into joining a Body Pump class with her tonight. I couldn't bear not to do my usual workout, but time only allowed me 15 minutes for it, and I burned 235 cals. in that time. Well, then I did Body Pump for an hour. I hate that workout, but it hurts so good. It's a cardio/strength training mix, and I am not very strong. Ah, well, I worked out for an hour and half today, so THERE! LOL.

We got a new dog and I have to stop being a brokeass SAHMama and get a job. More on those updates later.

Going to watch Aliens, now. I've never seen it.

P.S. Go see 1408. It's great, and John Cusack totally rocks my boat.

Future MILF Weigh-In

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On December 31st, 2006 I woke up in Newton, MA, right outside of Boston. We were on a mini-vacation for the holiday. I was 13.5 weeks pregnant with my third child.

The bleeding began at about 5:00 a.m. and I knew it wasn't good. I had bleeding in the beginning, but an ultrasound at 9 weeks showed a baby with a heartbeat. I thought I was in the clear. I spent the following 4 weeks under the impression that I was carrying a growing baby. I was even convinced that I was feeling flutters.

Anyway, the bleeding began and when my husband woke up I said we should go to the hospital.

To make a long story short, that baby must have stopped growing shortly after my wonderful ultrasound and we left that baby in the hospital on New Year's Eve. It is a very painful memory of a very painful experience.

It took me a few weeks to decide to get on with life instead of eating my way through it. I joined Weight Watchers, lost a few pounds, then gave it up. I really had no desire to take care of myself or my body. Rather, I wanted to defile it, punish it, fill it with poison.

But after seeing my doctor for my annual exam, I decided that I didn't need to continue to hate my body for losing that baby. I could take control of it and create a healthier environment in which to grow the next baby to full term.

The Walrus and I are not trying to get pregnant right now. In fact, we are actively avoiding it. My reward for getting to a healthy, non-obese weight will be to try to have another baby. It is only fair to the baby, to me, and to my poor body that reaches weights of great proportions when I am pregnant and obese. I delivered an 11 lb. 12 oz baby (via c-section) in 2005.

That's the reason for all this craziness. It's not just about being cute pregnant, you know, like those women with the little basketball bellies that just look adorable and not like they swallowed a hippo. But it's about being a healthy vessel in which that baby will grow.

I am not saying that I lost that baby because I am overweight, but that baby is on my mind right now because he or she would have been born this week. I was due on July 4th.

Independence Day.

So, I am doing it for me, for my health, and for the health of my next pregnancy. I am doing it because I have to, and it's time for me to stop being selfish.

Just some thoughts I wanted to get down somewhere.

Future MILF Weigh-In... Via Alaska

Last weigh-in weight: --6
Current weight: --6
Pounds lost: 0
Total Lost: 23 lbs.

Thankfully, actually, the scale hasn't budged. Actually, last Saturday, the day we left for Alaska, I was up two pounds, but I wound up getting my period that day, so that explains that. I didn't weigh again until Tuesday, where I was back down to --6, and that is where I sit today. I am happy with this. While I would have liked to lose while on vacation, I am fine with not gaining, either.

It is very hard to do Kimkins on vacation, but I am trying. We get a gourmet breakfast every day that always includes an egg dish, but I am not certain how the eggs are made - probably with milk. I have had some sausage, but have skipped all the toast, fruit, bread and dessert products. I have been doing well that way. Sometimes I have "cheated" and had a wrap sandwich with the wrap, or a little too much dressing (I don't always know the content of everything I am eating, whereas at home, I am pretty much on top of that). I am not charting on Fitday, but will return to that once I get back home.

I really have a serious eating problem, I think. I contemplate quitting this plan at least six times a day (especially when I saw the chocolate-filled pie at the Farmer's Market). I think of all the things I could eat, and I could binge! The amount of food out there that I shouldn't be eating far outweighs what I can eat, and it's torture! But, I just keep thinking about how much it would set me back, how much I really fucking want to be a MILF, and I also think about how 23 lbs. gone has made my hips stop hurting when I get out of the car, my feet stop hurting in the morning when I get out of bed, how it made that dress fit when it didn't fit a few weeks ago, how I can bend over at the waist without losing my breath, how I easily cross my legs, how my pants/capris hang off of me, how I can see myself smaller in the mirror, how I only have 7 more pounds until 30 gone (and that will mark another major goal), how Miss Serious comments daily on how I look smaller, how I don't cringe at looking at my reflection in store windows...

Need I say more? Check out Milfy on the right side of this page. That is (sort of) what I will look like at 130, which I believe is at the top of my range for my height of 5'1". Should I go farther than that? We will see. All I know is I feel better about myself, my strength, my choices.

It's so worth it.

Future MILF Weigh-In

Starting Weight: --9
Previous Weight: --2 (down 17)
Current Weight: --6 (down 6)
Total Lost: 23 lbs!

That is, 19 on Kimkins and 4 on my own. WOOO HOO. That is 23 lbs in 25 days!

I woke up on Wednesday morning and had my WOOOOSH! 3 lbs. gone overnight (I think this is due in part to some very strenuous activity just a few short hours before. Hee hee). Amazing!! The Walrus is so proud of me, and that helps me be proud.

People still aren't quite noticing yet, but after I told my best friend about it, she mentioned it to her husband who said I was a hottie (read: I'm gonna be a MILF soon!!) and he could tell I had lost weight. Awesome, baby! Fucking awesome.

We are leaving for Alaska tomorrow and I am determined to stick to my plan. I could probably undo half, or more, of all that I have done and what the hell sense does that make.

I have made it through bonfires w/ smores, birthdays w/ desserts, etc. I can certainly stay on plan while in America's Last Frontier.

I have made little tiny cheats here and there without any real punishment (maybe maintaining when I could have lost), but no more cheating now.

I just had an egg white omelet for lunch, and it looked like dessert:
1/2 c egg whites
Several drops Milk Chocolate Liquid Stevia (an artificial sweetener w/o carbs, calories, sugar)
top with: Redi Whip, Walden Farms Sugar-Free Chocolate Sauce, and perhaps some cinnamon if it floats your boat.

YUMMY!!!!! I took a picture that I'll have to post later (because our real internet took a dump and I'm stealing this signal). I was amazed at how tasty it looked, and how tasty it was.

Probably won't post again until at least a week from now... not sure if I'll have a scale.

Join KIMKINS now, people!!

Future MILF Weigh-In

Starting Weight: --9
Previous Weight: --5 (that is, down 14)
Current Weight: --2 (down 3 lbs.)
Total Lost: 17 lbs.

Between losing a pound, gaining it back, losing it again, and staying the same, I am finally down another pound, which for Kimkins that does not seem like a lot. I lost 11 lbs. the first week and 2 lbs. the second week? I am waiting for a serious wooosh here!

Ironically, yesterday I increased my calories by nearly 3x. I unknowingly spent a few days under 300, and prior to that, a few days under 500. Yesterday I kicked it up to 558. I know this sounds low, but when you're in Ketosis, you don't experience much hunger. Just really nasty breath and the feeling as though you have a dirty diaper sitting in your mouth. But hey, nothing tastes as good as thin feels, right? Anyway, so I brought my calorie intake up and lost a pound. I think my body is throwing a temper tantrum, as they say in the Kimkins forums.

I have a goal in mind for my 30th birthday, which is in September. At this rate, I'm a little behind. I am having a hard time accepting that, and am hoping for a larger loss soon. However, I must surrender control to the diet goddesses and stick to my plan and go with the flow.

My major accomplishment: Yesterday, I went to a coffee class/tasting at Starbucks. My good friend was teaching the class. Anyway, when it came time to do food pairings - with carmel, milk chocolate blueberries, and LEMON CAKE - I gracefully declined. I could have eaten it in the name of experimentation of flavors, but I didn't. I avoided Lemon Cake. What? I avoided Lemon Cake????

I have to post pictures. If other people were reading this, I'd be more on top of things. But since this is just for me right now, I don't need to be reminded that I'm still squishy.

The Mighty Stall

Oh my, I sure do hope that for my MILF weigh-in tomorrow that the Woooosh Fairy pays me a visit. That is, I have been sitting at a stall with only a 1 lb. loss so far this week. I have been doing so very well on this plan, but I know that these stalls should be expected. I mean, I went from eating well over my recommened daily allowance of calories, to eating a very small amount. I haven't had a food containing wheat or grain or sugar near my lips in nearly two weeks. Something's gotta happen soon.

Oh, Beautiful and Holy Woosh Fairy, please visit my body tonight and grant me a magnificent loss for all this hard work I have been doing!

Future MILF Weigh-In

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Kimkins Update, Day Two

Well, let me tell ya, I got discouraged on Saturday morning after my first day of Kimkins because my scale did not move. WHAT?? I ate SO well!! Well, it turns out that a Dairy Queen chicken breast has 18g of carbs! And with lettuce and tomato, it's 19g. So, when I thought I was eating well, I was actually going over the no-more-than 20g for the day. I actually hit 40.

Don't eat DQ chicken breasts if you are trying to go low-carb.

So, actually my first day of Kimkins was Saturday. I did really well, and I'm proud of myself. I woke up this morning with a loss. I am going to wait and post my entire week's loss on Friday. But I'm happy. I'm sticking to it.

Now, I've got to get people to this blog to help me be accountable!

Future MILF Weigh-In

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Kimkins

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Holy Fatness, Batman!

I'm a brand new me, alright. I'm at the highest weight I've ever been (excluding pregnancy). Not gonna post it on this blog, though, because I'm still trying to hide the number from my hubby. My plan is to tell him I what I weighed before I lost all the weight.

I am going to check out the Fit For Life method. Going to keep doing some research/reading/asking around, but I will report my findings here.

I know a few people who have been following the philosophy of The Secret. Anyone out there have testimonials to it? I'm a typical bandwagon jumper-on-er, but for some reason, I haven't totally bought into this yet. However, I do agree that being positive about yourself is important.

So, I am going to be turning over a few new leaves today.

1) Gotta get this weight off. So sick of the MIL referring to herself and me as the "short, round ones." I am ready for her to have no more reason to call me "round", unless I get blessed with another bun in my oven.

2) Gotta DECLUTTER! Oy! So much crap around here. Where does it all come from, and where should it all go. Someone just recommended Organized Home and I've skimmed it a bit. Seems to have some tips that will really work for me.

3) Cut out more icky chemicals, bring in more natural stuff. I'm doing well with this. I've cut out soda (or pop, if you prefer) thus drastically reducing my intake of artificial sweeteners. I've switched from aluminum-filled, Parkinson's-inducing commercial deodorant to a deodorant stone. I'm not a sweaty person, so the anti-perspirant isn't necessary (or healthy) and the deodorant stone actually works. No stinky Nikki here! Also, (TMI WARNING!) I've been without tampons for a year, using a Diva Cup instead. Seriously, ladies, it's not as scary as you might think.

So many more things need to change and I know it's baby steps, but I am going to do it. Can someone PLEASE hold me accountable?

I Am READY For A Brand New Me!!!

I am ready. Let's do this. Watch for my Future MILF weigh-in on Friday, with all the other devotees. I am going to kick some fat ass!!

MILF! MILF! MILF!

The Boy Who Ate Flowers

I am seeking this book so if you have it and want to get rid of it, please contact me.
Thanks!

Looking for a Tomboy

I am up early this morning and browsing the internet (when I could be changing the litter box or doing the dishes, or cleaning up the MOUND of Princess stuff that was received by Miss Serious and Miss Silly this birthday weekend) and see an article titled "10 Unusual Work-at-Home Options". They listed things like Tupperware, Big Yellow Box, Bead Retreat, etc. Then I see Tomboy Tools. What an innovative, brilliant idea for a party plan! Now, I'm not looking to JOIN or anything - I've already maxed out my limit for the number of party plans I can join - but if there is a Tomboy in my area, I want her at my home teaching me how to fix things and create things! I think this is so cool.

I've joined Inspired Aroma and am very glad I did so. I am very excited about this little business and see a lot of growth potential for the company. I had my first show and had a lot of fun doing it. I can't wait to do more and get better and really start earning some money for this family. They aren't as big as Pampered Chef or anything yet, no one is earning cruises, but they will get there. A small, Wisconsin-based company can only do so much, right?

The teas and coffees are delicious and I can teach you how to make those expensive Starbucks drinks at home. (Let's not get delusional, I still love me some Starbucks.) It's really cool and people are excited to come to the shows.

Can we get rich on tea and coffee? Stay tuned...

Okay, I suck. I know I suck

Not that this blog is frequented, but I still feel guilty about neglecting it. I had really that that *this* time I was going to do it. I was going to lose that weight.

I am trying to get back On Program this week... with a little luck. A few slip-ups have occured but I am not giving up. I stopped going to WW meetings because 39.95 a month is just a lot for us right now, and since we pay less to go to the YMCA and they have their Y-Weight program there, I couldn't justify the expense.

I've gained back what I lost at WW.

So, we're trying a fresh start. Again.

Watch for the next Future MILF weigh-in on Friday. I was weighed in on Monday at the Y and maybe we'll see some results by then.

Future MILF Weigh-In

I have skipped the last two weeks, but I don't want to be removed from the Future MILF list, so I am going to log on today and tell you what I have been up to.

I didn't renew my Weight Watchers membership because right now, $40 a month is a bit much for us. Besides, we joined the YMCA (for less than the WW membership!!) and they have the Commit To Be Fit program, which includeds weekly weigh-ins and meetings, and it doesn't cost anything additional. I am going to start hitting that next week.

At my last WW meeting on Feb 13, I had lost .4 lbs (note: that is NOT 4 lbs. but .4) in two weeks. Not very encouraging, but I know, I know, at least I didn't gain.

I am not sure what is wrong with me. I start a weight-loss program and start seeing results, and then a few weeks in, I totally lose my motivation. I know if I count my points, I can do this. I just get so resentful that I can't eat whatever I want (like heading to the Chinese restaurant for lunch with friends).

The numbers on the home scale are moving back up. WHAT?? Maybe I'm not working out enough? I do a 45-minute Step class twice a week, Body Pump once a week (should do that more often), and usually something else in there. On Monday, I was trained on the circuit at the YMCA, but haven't gone back to do it since. Perhaps I should just start getting up early in the mornings to go. I do it once per week for Body Pump. Miss Silly did not like Kid Care when I put her in it (threw up on herself after 10 minutes of screaming), so I am not sure working out during the day is an option for me. I run out the door after The Walrus gets home so I can get to my Step class...

Excuses, excuses. I just need to make a schedule and stick to it. I LIKE working out now, and I WANT to go... I just have to work it out so that there is a SET time Mama goes to the Y and that's it. Some nights, the kids and The Walrus go with me and swim. Just have to make that a priority.

So, it looks like, according to the home scale, I might be up 3 lbs.

Future MILFs Weigh-In

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WW Weigh-In

Weighed in last night at WW. I will save that report for Friday.

I simply cannot get ahold of whatever is ahold of me. I just want to STUFF my face lately!! I don't know what is up with that.

However, I've kicked the exercise up a bunch of notches with a Step class on Monday, H.A.B.I.T. (Hips, Abs, Butt, Incredible Thighs) on Tuesday, and Body Pump (working out with a barbell) this morning. Yay me! I'm really proud of myself for getting to the Y three days already.

Have you ever been so bored/stir crazy at home that you just pack the kids in the car and drive around aimlessly? That was what I did today. I can't eat, can't spend money... what else is there?

Do you ever get sick of playing Princess? As in, Ariel, Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast? This has become a nightly routine for Miss Serious and I - acting out the entire movies from start to finish. I guess I should be happy that she has that kind of imagination.

I am feeling so restless today. It's hard to explain. I have ideas I want to build upon, and projects that either need follow-through or total abandonment. I am going to shamelessly plug myself (snicker) and tell you that I am a Passion Diva, as well as a Stuffer Of Friends. I also signed up to sell Cookie Lee Jewelry, but haven't pursued that as I should... I lost my mojo sometime in December. But I have been super psyched about another opportunity, Inspired Aroma, which sells coffees and teas. I don't know if I am hooked on direct sales, or just hooked on the newness of things, the excitement of trying something different. But I am having a party and EVERYONE is super-excited about it. I have over 20 people coming! If that doesn't help build some excitement, I don't know what will!

My girls are running around in bathing suits right now. Bless their innocence and lack of a need for negative self-image. Reason number 369 to lose the weight.

So...

Trying not to eat the whole bag of 94% fat free popcorn?

Burn it. That'll do it.

The Weekend

Checkout http://nicolewardall.yourpassionconsultant.com, browse the "Passion Toys" and go to Mom-O-Matic for further instructions.

This was a good weekend for us, activity-wise. I had been looking forward to Saturday for quite awhile. It started off with me getting a Papaya Enzyme Facial from my mom at the salon she works at. This involves lots of cool goop being spread on your face with a little paint brush. It feels so nice. Then she proceeds to give you a leg and foot massage and then an upper back and arm and hand massage. I looooooovvvve me some hand massages.

After that, I headed downstairs to get my feet all pampered and pretty. Full-on Spa Pedicure, complete with sugar scrub, mask, and foot massage (yes, that's right, my feet got massaged twice). Finish it off with a nice, not-too-showy color and you've got pretty tootsies.


Spa manicure next with paraffin wax treatment (my hands get so dry they crack and bleed in the winter). That TOTALLY worked! My hands have looked and felt much better since Saturday.

Then my in-laws came down to watch the girls so The Walrus and I could head to a game night at our friends' house. Oh what fun! Sitting around with a bunch of adults, talking like adults, saying adult things, playing games, laughing... it was just what this Mama needed after a week on Vomit Detail.

And you know, a party always comes complete with snacks - lots of good snacks. I had kept all of my flex points for this weekend. I didn't want to go too nuts, and I actually did pretty great at the party. There was a kick-ass artichoke dip there and I had some of that (yeah, I know, not too great, but I could have eaten more), and there were cookies (I had a few), fruit, veggies, chips, chips, chips, etc. I skipped the cake, most of the chips. The point is, I showed restraint. I did much better than I would have if I wouldn't have been On Program.

The next day was a corned beef and cabbage dinner at my Nana's house. My Irish blood runs greener on days like this... I love this meal. So does The Walrus, though more so when he hasn't had a few too many the night before. I am not as proud of myself with this experience. I think I just threw in the towel at one point, eating a brownie, but I was able to skip the angel food cake - one of my favorites. So there's that, I guess.

Off to the YMCA today where Miss Serious will be in a class and I'll check Miss Silly into Kid Care for the first time and I can work out for an hour, then maybe take a little swim.

I weigh in at WW tomorrow. I gotta work off that corned beef meal!!

Ooops, slight misunderstanding...

I was wondering why people thought I lost five pounds, but looking back at my post I see it. When I put --5, I meant my current weight on my home scale now ends with a 5 (and I leave the first two digits blank)... and for the record, my current WW weight ends in an 8.

Sorry for the confusion.

Miss Silly was on the mend today after a bit of a "if she throws up again you'll have to take her to the hospital" scare last night. Thankfully, we seem to be in the clear. I am so sick of vomit I could vomit.

Miss Serious was playing at a friend's house today and her friend, a 5 year-old, BIT her. Drew blood. Gross. How many 5 year-olds still bite? I've been lucky with my kids not being physically aggressive. Miss Serious is a button-pusher, that's for sure, and Miss Silly is highly stubborn (thank you, Walrus), but neither have been biters or hitters.

I wish I had some clever, witty things to say, but I've had a pretty boring week. I did, however, make it to the YMCA and rode a bike for 30 minutes (went 10 miles) and then did a treadmill-like machine that makes you feel like you're hiking up a mountain. Know how you get the pools of sweat in your bra? I got it in my underwear. Weird.

Did you ever notice that when you're a big girl and try to buy cute underwear it looks less cute because, well, it's still big underwear?

Future M.I.L.F. Weigh-In One:

I know that I've just had you guys waiting in utter anticipation for this number. See, my Weigh-in day at WW is Tuesday nights. I am not quite sure how to coincide that with Weigh-in Day for MILFs, so for now, unless otherwise instructed by the M.I.L.F. Diva, I am going to use my Tuesday weight for weigh-in days.

And without further ado:

Pounds lost: 3.8

Woooo hoooo! That's on the first week of WW. Thank you, thank you very much. Doesn't make me any less obese, but I'll get there.

I've decided I'm going to weigh-in on our home scale on Fridays, too. Maybe this is overkill and unnecessary but what the hell. Who's gonna care? So, next week I'll post my Tuesday weight loss as well as my Friday weight-loss. So, my at-home weight today is:

--5

Ha! You thought I would post it in it's entirety, didn't ya? Nope! Actually, that's about 3 or so pounds down from the last time I weighed on that scale, but that scale is unreliable.

I need a little help here. I don't understand where this is coming from, but thoughts of resentment toward losing weight are creeping into my head. Getting a little peeved about not being able to eat what I want, etc. I hate when I start to feel like that because it's so easy to betray myself, and then I can really stuff my face. During my last weight-loss venture I did the Fat Smash Diet, as seen on Celebrity Fit Club on Vh-1, and I lost 10 or so pounds and then one day I ate a whole box of macaroni and cheese. Why do I do this to myself? I have no discipline.

But, if not now, when? Right? I have to do it. If you're this full of self-loathing appearance-wise, then you need to just step up to the plate and do it, right?

Because, if not now, when?

Have you ever been stretched?

Miss Silly has been sick since Monday, as previously mentioned. Miss Serious has been relatively patient and cooperative given the fact that she is three. Being stuck in the house and constantly cleaning up vomit has left me a little ornery and high-strung.

Today I pulled Miss Serious aside and thanked her for her cooperation and patience this week. I told her I intended to reward her with a special treat.

Me: I don't want you to feel left out. It's easy to feel left out when your sister is sick.
Her: I feel left out.
Me (surprised, actually): You do?
Her: Yes. What does "left out" mean?
Me: If you don't know what it means, then...
Her: I am so stretched out.
Me: What?
Her: I am so stretched out.
Me: Stressed out?
Her: Yes. Stressed out.

Chuckle chuckle. Give the kid a Dilly Bar (5 points).

In weight related news, I am feeling sooo bingey lately. I think it's the boredome, but my hands just want to stuff my face. Thank goodness there isn't a large bag of plain M & Ms in this house. I would enjoy them one by precious one. Mmm Mmm.

Weigh-in for M.I.L.Fers is tomorrow. Are you on pins and needles?

I've got a secret...

Tonight was my second weigh-in at WW and I know how much I lost (or gained, or stayed the same), but being a newly dedicated future M.I.L.Fer I am going to wait until Friday, weigh-in day for M.I.L.Fers, before I post. So, nanny-nanny boo boo.

Miss Silly has been sick for two days now, redecorating each room on the first floor with lovely, varying shades of oranges, browns, and partially digested foods. Why does she only desire chocolate soy milk right now? Between the regurgitation and the snowy weather, I hadn't left my house but once - to go grocery shopping - since Saturday night. I'm no homebody. I need to be out and about, interacting with other adults, away from the mesmerizing glow of Playhouse Disney.

So, I was very excited to take Miss Serious to her dance class today, and then go to my WW meeting.

I've been doing rather well sticking to my target POINTS. I had a total binge yesterday afternoon (Hi, my name is Nikki and I am an emotional eater. Boredom really makes me a victim.), yet managed to not go over my POINTS. I guess it helps that I binged on pita bread and hummus, yogurt and granola.

Still trying to think of a name for my inner food addict. The Walrus is suggesting names of people from my past that I would like to drown. Er, I mean, forget. Jenders is in the running, and so is Nylle (read that last one backwards because who wants to constantly say the actual name of someone you despise, right?), and he thought Pigerella was too cutesy and cruel. I am accepting entries to be put into a drawing to win all of my plus-size clothes when I shrink outta them in a few months. Good luck.

Speaking of my past, I sure wish I was as fat now as I thought I was back then. Don't you hate how you look at pictures of your teenage self with the low self-esteem and great ass and boobs that never produced milk, and you wonder where all that self-loathing came from back then because if you only knew what lie ahead...

...stretch marks. Lots and lots of stretch marks.

I had that one coming...

It's inevitable. Food goes in the living room, food gets on the floor. But usually only if it's ravioli, chocolate milk, open-face jelly sandwiches, or, in this case, strawberry applesauce.

I walk into the living room and find an overturned strawberry applesauce container on the living room floor. And then across the floor are millions of gallons of applesauce splatters. Man, that stuff can travel.

I was upset with Miss Serious because she had evidently knocked it over while jumping up to run into the kitchen to talk to me, but never mentioned that it had spilled. Several minutes had lapsed before I saw the mess and asked her why she didn't tell me, or why she didn't clean it up herself (see, earlier in the day she had spilled an ENITRE pitcher of Crystal Light Raspberry Ice drink on the kitchen floor - thank goodness I hate carpeted kitchens - and just sat there while hubby and I mopped up the mess).

Me: Where was your head, Miss Serious?
Her: It's on my neck, where it's supposed to be. What do you think?

Damn three year-olds. They always have a comeback.

In food-related news, I had a surprisingly excellent treat-filled weekend and didn't go over in POINTS! In fact, I was under .5 POINTS each day. Holy shit! You know what this means??? (insert your favorite "epiphany" music here) I CAN eat like a normal person, I CAN have lots of yummy treats! I can do it in moderation!

My head is spinning from all of these new-found revelations.

OH OH OH!!! I also have to mention that we've had our house on the market for a year - and we've been living in our new one for over a year, so yeah, we're paying two mortgages on a single-family income and eating out of garbage cans (which is probably why I'm staying within my POINTS) because two mortgages are a LOT of mortgages. Anyway, finally, yesterday our dear, stumped realtor calls to say we have an offer. Our FIRST offer!!!

I. Am. So. Relieved.

I was kidding about eating out of garbage cans, though.

I never cease to amaze myself

It is no secret that I love food. I love the tastes and the textures. I don't necessarily enjoy eating as an activity, and do it rather fast so I can move on with life, but food... yeah, I love food.

Especially pizza.

The Walrus and I were planning to have Papa Murphy's Take N Bake pizza tonight... even had the POINTS figured out eariler in the week. For the portion I would normally eat, it would have been 22.5 POINTS. And I think that was for 2/3 of a half of the pizza (he gets his half with sausage and pepperoni, and the girls and I get plain cheese). So, knowing I couldn't survive until 7:00pm on 7.5 calories, I planned to use some Flex POINTS tonight. And boy, was I looking forward to that pizza!

So, dinner time comes and I decided to cut my slices smaller than normal, and I paid a little more attention to eating slowly. So, blah blah blah, etc., when I decided to stop eating the pizza it turned out I had only consumed half of my planned amount. What? How did I do this? Is "strength" beginning to creep into my brain?

I had 3.5 POINTS left after dinner. I enjoyed a WW dessert for 3 POINTS and I am finishing the day, albeit a bit hungry, with .5 POINT left.

I am a little bit proud today, having held off on eating all that pizza. Maybe I can do this?

I weigh in at WW on Tuesday night. We'll see if this newfound restraint is paying off.

In other news, Miss Serious (who will soon be 4 years-old) wrote a song tonight. It goes a little something like this:

I love my Mama/I love my Daddy.
I love all of you/You are my family.

It's like a rich, sugary dessert. So sweet. :-)

'Night.

A WW WTF moment...

So, yeah, I broke down and joined Weight Watchers. Can't really afford it, but can I afford not to? I swear, the universe is going to start charging me rent for the extra space I've been using. Ugh.

Anyway, so I've been counting POINTs for three days.
Day One: .5 under, thank you very much.
Day Two: Went 1 over (on purpose), using one Flex POINT. You're allowed 35.
Day Three: It's 9:30pm and I have 10 POINTs left. WTF?

The words "I could have a quarter pounder" came out of my mouth. Geez Louise, am I ever gonna figure this out? Eat some apples, big girl.

Rode a stationary bike for about 40 minutes today and earned 3 activity points for that. Been drinking so much water that Charmin is going to honor me at their next Customer of the Year convention (if they have one).

Thinking of quitting Curves and joining the YMCA. Fun for the whole family, and a lot more exercisery options.

So, I guess I better go eat something. I'm starved.

Yeah, you look it.

If not now, when?

Okay, now is the time. And not like the other times that were "the time". This is really it.

I've looked in the mirror and seen the great white expanse of my flesh taking up more space than it ever has.

Too-large, saggy breasts that always seem to be looking down? Check.

Squishy, road-map of a tummy? Check.

Extra-wide, extra-thick, cellulite-ridden thighs? Check.

Bra overhang? Check.

Whoa, where did that ass come from??? Uh, check.

Yes, now is the time.